Letter March 4 1864 Willie to Fannie's Mother

Letter from Willie to Fannies mother (black border)

Paris, March 4, 1864
My Ever Dear Mother,
Had I consulted my own inclination, I would probably have remained somewhat longer at Pau which is endeared to me by so many fond yet painful ties. But the Doctors advised and my friends urged that it was absolutely necessary I should seek to restore by change of scene, my health , which during the last few months has become seriously affected. The constant watching at the bedside of my poor little sufferer, the anxiety of mind and want of exercise, and latterly the grief that literally overwhelmed me, have produced a state of nervousness and sleeplessness , the only relief from which is to be found in sheer physical exhaustion. However great my reluctance to leaving my poor heart broken father (who is now over 60 years of age and has recently become a great invalid) yet , such is my anxiety for active employment , as a cure for the morbid state of my mind, that I am much tempted to resign my office , return home and enter the army. Before doing so however, I will take care to confide to some trustworthy person for conveyance to New Orleans, two large trunks full of valuable articles of clothing, the majority of which, such as the laces and silks, were never worn by my Sainted Fannie. A separate box, containing all her jewelry, and little trinkets and curiosities collected during our travels and destined by her for her beloved brothers & sisters, will also be forwarded as soon as a perfectly safe opportunity presents itself. I desire to incur no risk, as all these things will be of great value hereafter, particularly to Nuna and Lalla. I, of course, shall only send the articles of clothing that could advantageously bear keeping, and which were careful selected and packed up under the direction of kind Mrs. Bradford.
As I know not how many of my letters to you may have miscarried, I will for the purpose of supplying perhaps some connecting links, affording you and myself the melancholy satisfaction of rehearsing rapidly some of the incidents connected with our trip to Europe and with the cruel disease which was so soon destined to make a victim of the loveliest being the earth has ever known.
You may perhaps remember my anxiety on firste (sic) hearing that deep, hollow cough at the bay in 1858. That anxiety was perhaps the first indication of my love and it never abandoned me while she lived. One of my chief objects in visiting Europe, thus acting on the suggestion of Dr. Choppiex (sp) was that she might experience the benefit of travel and of change of clime and that she might return to you in the autumn with her constitution firmly established and perhaps renovated. During the first year of our sojourn abroad my prayers for this dear ones health appeared to be in process of realization. Finding the climate of London too chilly and gloomy, we proceeded the 11th July 1861 to Paris, and thence to Switzerland, where the ____ mountain air, and constant exercise soon performed wonders. Her appetite increased the outline of her form become rounded, The rosy hue of her cheek and her physical strength all indicated apparently glowing health. On the 25th Oct. we crossed into Italy, and spent the winter at Florence, Rome and Naples where her general health still contrived excellent altho the dreadful cough occasionally made itself heard. You are aware that, I had declined the honorable office of Secretary to the Commissioner, one of my motives being to be able to travel freely with my darling. When however in March 1862 my father was appointed Commissioner to Spain Belgium etc. I was selected as his Secretary, I no longer had a reasonable excuse to decline serving the country in the diplomatic capacity for which my past experience had best qualified me. At my darling wife’s earnest solicitation we proceeded in the latter part of March to Brussels, one of the most pleasant capitals of Europe.. The climate is on the whole, nearly as mild as that of Paris, and the winter of 62 – which alas! Proved so fatal in its consequences – was less severe than its predecessor or successor. In fact, I may say without exaggeration that we did not feel the slightest cold during the winter, the apartments we inhabited being an exceedingly warm and comfortable one. I scarcely ever permitted her to go out of evenings, and then only in a close carriage. I need not tell you that we desired no other society than that of each other, altho’ we frequently were visited by our kind Southern friends. – My only absence from her was in Oct. 62 when I was suddenly summoned to Copenhagen for about 10 days, leaving her in Brussels as I was fearful of exposing her to a Northern clime and to the fatigue of rapid traveling.
It was in the latter part of December that the first slight and almost imperceptible symptoms of the treacherous disease must, if I recollect right, have first manifested themselves. A slight hacking cough began to be heard as (of) evenings sometimes accompanied by that sepulchral hollow sound, which had always caused me so much anguish. An occasional slight flush, as well as a great disinclination to sit in a room where there was fire and to the use of warm apparel next became apparent. I immediately called in a physician, highly recommended to us, who was employed by nearly all our friends. He positively and repeatedly assured me after much examination of her lungs, that they were sound as mine. My fears were however only partially allayed altho she seemed to have entirely recovered on the approach of Spring. _ ____ on the 3rd of May 1863 I was appalled more than words can tell by a hemorrhage of the lungs, I immediately called in another physician, the most eminent of the city who again pronounced that her lungs were perfectly sound and treated the hemorrhage very lightly; considered it a ‘case’ or pleura pneumonia and recommended bleeding. My poor darling whose cough still continued accompanied with expectoration now, seemed, with her _____ constitution, to recover, after she had been twice bled. We went to Spa where she took her ____ exercise and enjoyed her usual appetite, tho’ no doubt the fatal malady was still lurking in her system. On her return to Brussels in July, the physician again recommended bleeding and gymnastic exercise, for she still retained her bodily strength. At last in the latter part of August, the Dr. was compelled to admit in answer to my searching questions, the existence, for the first time of slight tubercles. _ I did not yet despair, for who can do so in presence of al the usual accompaniments of health, but decided at once to consult the celebrated Dr. Louis, in Paris, and spend the winter in a more Southern clime. _
The rest of the harrowing tale you know horribly too well. The successive hemorrhages, the gradual weakening and emaciation, the exhausting cough and expectoration, all leading to that inevitable fatal result, in which my mind, up to the last refused to believe. Even now it seems as a hideous dream, which returning day may dispel.
My last letter gave you an account of her last moments, and of the soul harrowing incidents with which they were accompanied. What has so often been said of her by those who best knew her and appreciated her, that “she was too pure for earth” has been verified. God, at an early period of her life, had marked her for his own, He, with infinite wisdom permitted her to pass a few too short years on the earth, to gladden it by her sweet presence. He gave her all the happiness that earthly love can bestow, He caused her to suffer in order that she might be a martyr, and only condition now is that she is enjoying, in the uppermost mansion, and in the bosom of her loving Lord, that blessed rest of which our poor human mind can form no adequate conception.
How often it had she repeated to me in the course of our too! Too happy love – which was ____ contained honeymoon & when roaming over the classical remains of antiquities or the grand scenery of the Alps, “Oh Willie! We are too happy to continue so long. God will not permit that we shall make a Paradise upon earth.”
The evening before she died I received your last letter accompanied by one from Nuna. Altho’ she was conscious at the time, the Doctor cautioned me against the too sudden effect the reading of your letter might occasion. Your name, up to the last, was upon her lips, even when her mind wandered.
Among her souvenirs which she had collected for each of the family, you will find, for yourself the most valuable of all – her diary written out carefully day by day and contained almost up to the last, intended for the sole eye of her darling mother who was never for a moment absent from her thoughts. How often have I heard her speak with rapture of the day, when she might relate in detail all the thousand incidents of foreign travel that it would so much delight them to hear. _
I can pursue this subject no further at present. – Gloomy as the future may be to you you are yet blessed with the smiles of your sweet little ones clustering around your knee, of your noble boys battling for their country. Dear Nuna promises in a great measure to take the place of her departed sister. – But for me the present and the future presents but one dreary blank only relieved by the hope of meeting with my departed angel in that blissful abode in which she taught me to place all my hopes. –
God bless you all! Is the fervent prayer of your disconsolate Son,
William. -